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Why Do Good People Stay In Bad Situations?

By Susan Fenner, PhD

There are many reasons why good people stay in bad situations, even when they are being harmed in the process. By understanding your motivation, you will be able to make a better choice about when to stick it out and when to pack up and go.

People stay in bad situations because:

• No matter how bad the situation, they know what to expect. They feel more secure in a bad predictable situation than a possibly better one that may entail some risk on their part. They are afraid to deal with ambiguity, often because they haven’t done it in the past.
• The bad situation has so destroyed their self-esteem that they don’t have the confidence to move out and forward. They truly believe they are worthless or as inept as their environment portrays them.
• It has turned into a game. One party is abusive; the other party enables the abuse to keep happening. If either person were to change his/her behavior, the game would stop. In some instances, once the game stops, the parties will find another counterpart to assume the same role so the game can continue.
• They keep telling themselves things will change, even though there is no evidence that this is the case. It’s not that they are an optimist, but rather, they are not being a realist.
• They have seen other people in their family play this same role and believe it is their “lot in life” to follow the same script, whether consciously or not. They lack the courage and conviction to break away from the familiar past.
• They refuse to set goals and ultimatums and stick with them. They are waiting for some form of rescue outside of themselves.
• They think they are the only ones in this kind of situation. They blame themselves, instead of the victimizer.
• They lack a strong role model who could support them in their efforts to break free.
• They enjoy playing the role of victim because it gets them attention.
• By not striving for more or better, they never fail because they never try.
• They feel insecure and are afraid of losing what they may have acquired to date (financially, socially, professionally).

These are just a few reasons why admins stay with execs who are highly critical, teens stay in cliques where they are derided, or spouses remain with abusive mates. 

The way to a better job or relationship requires support networking, building self-confidence and a skill base, surrounding yourself with people who truly care, and taking small steps into the unknown to assure that you can be the master of your own destiny.

- Susan Fenner, PhD is Education and Professional Development Manager of the International Association of Administrative Professionals.  She can be reached at sfenner@iaap-hq.org

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